The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug or the Desolation of Peter Jackson

Warning- Spoilers

Who’s watched The Lord of the Rings movies?
Who’s read the books? There are books in case y’all didn’t know. There is also a book called the Hobbit. I don’t think Peter Jackson completely grasped that idea. Who is Tauriel? Where did she come from? And a woman as captain of the guard? This was written to be mostly for children. Is it now?? There is too much action, fighting and guess what? Romance. If you know me, I hate romances. Period. But what? Elves dislike dwarves. Except Tauriel, the captain of the guard, has a tender heart toward dwarves and, though she doesn’t go so far as to say it, she is ‘n luv’ with Kili. But there’s a problem! Legolas is in love with her. When I watched the trailer and saw them going down the river in barrels, but fighting while in them, I said ‘uh-oh’ and I was ‘never more right in my life.’ There aren’t supposed to be orcs yet! Not everywhere at least. They’re like ants when you stir up an ant bed, but they weren’t stirred up. They just are. Did anyone mention radagast the brown? And to quote saruman from the book, ‘radagast the fool, radagast the bird tamer.’ Yup, he was right in this case. I’m still not sure what happened in mirkwood, I thought they were supposed to be there for a long time. Go through enchanted water and Bombur was supposed to fall in &etc. but they are there for a whopping total of maybe two minutes. They go in and say ‘wow! Sure is hot!’ Bilbo climbs a tree and looks around, then he falls into a spider web, kills one spider with his ring on and then takes it off like a dweeb and rescues the dwarves. WHAT?!?!? What is the ring for? He takes it off at the most dangerous times! Is this comedy!?!??? Can anyone really be. that. stupid? There isn’t much of a storyline either, they rush the parts that are in the book and commit all there time to adding stupid girls and romances and idiocy. Why exactly did the laketown master put Bard in prison? Why did four of the dwarves stay behind in laketown while the others went to the mountain? Oh! Because Kili was hurt? But that was also added because they didn’t meet any orcs! This was there so that Lego and Tauriel could come back on the scene because she’s concerned about him. Smaug? No better. He stood two inches from Bilbo, who is too stupid to put the ring on, and he doesn’t kill him! Why? He likes talking? He’s an idiotic slothful fire breathing dragon who never breathes fire when he should and often when he shouldn’t. When Thorin fell on his upper lip, a quick flip and opening of his mouth would have been the end of the so called Thorin, but instead he still can’t get him and can’t get any of the dwarves even though he is bigger, faster, and breathes fire. Shocking, right? And this is the Smaug that destroyed Dale? They made three movies for The Lord of the Rings. Fine! There were three books of good length. But three movies out of the hobbit? The book is probably shorter than any one of the LOTR books but they’re making the movie as long as or longer than the LOTR movies. Who says directors can’t follow the book? Why? They want money! They don’t even try. I’ve always noticed from the LOTR movies how legolas’s face and hair are always perfect. Like he carries a comb in his pocket. Huh? In this, he fights the giant Orc and after the Orc leaves he finds blood coming from his nose. Eww. Anyways, he’s so mad that anyone would mess up his perfect face that he jumps on a horse and chases the dirty Orc who dared do that. Am I being to mean? Maybe I shouldn’t tear all their hard work apart. But, I paid to see it and anyways, they actually have the audacity to say ‘based on the book by J.R.R. Tolkien’ after destroying a very classic, great, and exciting book. Which by the way I have read five times and The Lord of the rings twice. I don’t think Peter Jackson has read it once and if he has, that makes it all the worse. This is my review. If you don’t like my review, fine, I don’t like the movie. Here are how many stars I give it 0.00000000 and I can do that because this isn’t amazon!! Haha! Anyways, by the way, if you want spoilers, don’t go to the book for them, you won’t find any. This is mostly a review for the the second movie because the first is so unmemorable that I can’t remember enough but I will say this. I hate the goblin king. He is big, fat, ugly and sounds like a cool teenager with no more sense than a fly. If I had time to watch the movie and review as I went it would be so long you wouldn’t want to read it. Let’s put it this way. When we watch The Lord of the rings, I enjoy finding the places they change and commenting about it because I know more about the book than anyone except Laura. William gets annoyed because I find so much wrong. I think if I were able comment on the hobbit without being told to quit, I would be talking nonstop yelling ‘So not in the book!!!’ And ‘What!?!?!’ But, if you haven’t read the book and love endless battles with endless orcs and cameras moving so fast you get dizzy and stupid lines then you’ll probably love these movies and watch them again and again because this is full of it. To wrap it up, this is a huge money making piece of junk. And they talk about Thorins grandfather being greedy, haha. They have way to much time and money on their hands. Oh, and don’t say ‘we don’t want an exact copy of the book’. Because, yes, we do! We want to see everything we’ve read about on screen. But I’d better quit now because I have dishes… But it sure is fun to rant ;) just remember, you’ve been warned.

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And now, a picture of Faith, just cuz

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